RWBY helpers: The misadventures
by HaloGoji75
Summary: This is a documentation of the RWBY helpers gettin ready for jobs, and the aftermath of said jobs.
1. ArchAngle117 part 1

**Ok, so I wrote the Destro/RWBY security P.S.A one day for fun after reading 'Weiss Reacts', when the next day someone hires the RWBY helpers to deal with a problem in their story. I was rather surprised. More so to see that some people think this should be a story. So here's what you all get. **

* * *

The RWBY helpers H.Q. was oddly quiet today. After Yang took care of the Ruby boyfriend situation and Matt took out yandere Velvet, things had slowed down. "I thought that more people would call after we put that P.S.A out yesterday." Burn said. "Maybe there's nothing happening." Ruby spoke. "Perhaps it's a sign from a higher power, telling us to take time off." Hicks said. "What do you mean time off, we just formed this group." Weiss said.

A moment later the intercoms buzzed. "We got a call from ArchAngel117." Velvet voice boomed over the speaker. "A fan fic author, already?" Burn said, a bit surprised that someone would respond this fast. "Says that 'Lone ODST in a Hunter's Land' is having issues. Something about a psychotic version of Weiss randomly appearing out of nowhere." Velvet replied. "A Hell Jumper? That must mean it's a Halo crossover." Hicks said.

"Right, Matt, Nora, Weiss, your with me. Time for some awesomeness." Burn said. "Wait, why am I going?" Weiss asked. "We need you to balance out the Weiss part of the problem while Matt and Nora, balance out the crazy part." Burn replied. "NO ONES CRAZIER THAN ME!" Matt screamed. "Alright now for our battle plan." Burn said.

Nora then raised her hand. "Yes, Nora?" Burn asked. "How about we use kill move number 49?" She asked. "Cause that didn't work when Deadpool tried it on Shadow the hedgehog." Burn replied. "I vote we use the fact that since we are from alternate realities, the laws of physics in that dimension won't work with us." "And how exactly do you know that?" Weiss asked. "Since Destro is from an alternate universe, I'll let Matt demonstrate." Burn said. "Screw gravity." Matt said as he started floating. Weiss just watched as the suicide bomber started flying away. "I rest my case." Burn said. "Oh, and guys, the author says that we'll get a Binary Rifle if we kick psycho Weiss in the crotch." Velvet said. "Well, my old Binary Rifle was running low on ammo." Burn said. "Anyway where was I?"

"Your plan of attack." Weiss replied. "Right, step 1: we make a dramatic entrance that will paralyze the psycho." Burn said. "How about we use that song about the crazy train?" Matt asked as he floated back to the ground. "Brilliant. Step 2: while she is caught off guard Matt will use his suicide bomber skills on her while screaming ISBACKA like he usually does, not enough to kill, but to disorient her even further. Step 3: Our version of Weiss, whom will be given this hat to tell the difference between 3 Weiss Schnees, will disarm her counterpart." Burn then put a hat on Weiss's head that said, 'I'm a bee-outch'. "Haha, very funny." Weiss said, unamused.

"Step 4: I kick her in the crotch for the heck of it, and finally step 5: Nora breaks her legs and we send her back to whatever universe she came from and make sure she never returns." Burn said. "As long as we follow the plan, and not get attacked by that stupid badger that gave me that fake/expired Mountain Dew Voltage coupon for a store that doesn't sell Mountain Dew Voltage, we should be in the clear. Any questions?" Jaune raised his hand. "You're not in this job, get out of here dude." Burn said. The blond night just sighed and walked away. Alright, let's do this!" Burn said. The device behind them summoned a portal. "Let it begin, LET IT BEGIN!" Matt screamed. "GO GO GO!" Burn screamed as everyone charged forward.

* * *

**Well, theres part 1. Also note that this takes place in an alternate continuity compared to Destro and RWBY.**

**"I still can't believe that someone actually hired them."**

**I'm as confused as you are, anyway, the aftermath will be seen in a later chapter. Till then, goodbye.**

**"Did you really have to reference Deadpool: Operation Shadow the Hedgehog? I'm still picking arrows out of my a #"**

**Yes, yes I did. For your humiliation D.P. Tata readers.**


	2. ArchAngle117 part 2

The four RWBY helpers walked through the portal, exhausted. Matt was covered in smoke, Nora in mud, Burn had an ice shard lodged into his thruster pack, and Weiss was missing a quarter of her pony tail. "Ok, so maybe the plan didn't work out as well as I thought it would." Burn said. "And maybe we didn't bother to learn that psycho Weiss could use her glyphs like Frisbees that could cut people in half. But, at least we did it."

The Spartan then pulled on a rope that he was tugging, bringing a gigantic crate full of Mountain Dew Voltage into the H.Q. Those who weren't present at the battle looked in awe at the huge crate. "They really wanted psycho Weiss gone." Burn said. "And let me guess, you asked other dimension Ruby for a scythefile but your answer was a no once again, am I right?" Yang asked. "Yeah, but this Ruby reacted in a bit more aggressively than ours did." Burn replied. "Hey, can I get an ice pack for my crotch?" He quickly added before doubling over. "Psycho Weiss?" Blake asked. "Other Ruby." Matt replied. "Huh, didn't see that one coming." Ruby said. She was usually the nice girl. "It gets worse, after she kicked him in the balls, she b# $ slapped him into a wall." Nora said. "Ok, that version of me has issues." Ruby said. "So, other than that, how did it go?" Pyrrah asked.

"Well, we were able to get through the first few steps, but she recovered a lot faster because of some kind of adrenaline dust that's from her universe." Matt started. "Then, s # went down." "All she did was jabber non-stop about Ruby." Weiss ranted. "And this," She gestured towards her pony tail, "Was the result of dodging a glyph that nearly took of my head." "Fortunately Matt and Nora were able to out psycho her and distracted her long enoughfor me to use an epic high speed punch." Burn said. "Would have been better if this ice shard hadn't damaged my thruster pack." "And, I got to break her legs before we sent her back to her universe." Nora said happily. "What is it with you and breaking legs?" Jaune asked. "I just do it for the heck of it." Nora replied. "Alright, so our first crossover job. Good work guys, lets hit the lunch lounge." Burn said as he started dragging his precious crate with him. "What about all the damage inflicted by my 'mentally ill' counterpart?" Weiss asked. "I sent our construction supervisor to fix everything up, free of charge." Burn replied.

Meanwhile…..

"Are you sure you're qualified to be a repair man?" Ozpin asked. RWBYsarus growled yes in response. "Alright then, please try to get this done as quickly as possible. Some of our students would prefer not having to share dorms with other teams." The headmaster said, looking at teams JNPR and RWBY moving a few things into the RWBY dorm. "SLUMBER PARTY!" Nora screamed as she bounced around everywhere. The dinosaur looked at the plans, then at the school, then back at the plans. Then he drew something on there. It was a large building labeled, 'Mantis garage.' The raptor like creature performed the closest thing he could to a smile. This would cheer the hell jumper up.

* * *

**Yes, I did it. I gave RWBYsaurus an part in the RWBY helpers. Not many people write stories with him as a charachter so I decided to get him involved. So anyway, if you have fan fiction problems, or have a request of some sort for a hilarious scenario of sort that you really want to see in this fic, use either the comments or my PM mailbox.**

**"Or, If you don't want to deal with these losers, hire ME! The Merc with the Mouth, DEADPOOL!" **

**Shut up already!**

**"Or what, you gonna have me make out with squirrel girl?" **

**Nope, already been done before, you're making out with a deathstalker.**

**"WHAT THE F$# ?!"**

**I'm just gonna censor whats going on so none of you have to experience that. Anyway, see ya.**


	3. Cywren's Fallout part 1

Burn sat in his room, laughing at his TV as a girl was accused of farting in order to keep to others from getting in trouble for fighting. The show, something about titans, seemed pretty good to Burn. He was channel surfing when it suddenly appeared on his screen, getting his attention. After he stopped laughing the intercoms buzzed. "_We got a code 47 amigos." _Rico, the teams A.I. shouted. Burn immediately sprinted over to the Intel room.

"Right code 47, random guy starts opening random portals in a RWBY universe, causing multiple characters from alternate multiverses to appear." Rico's avatar explained. "What are we dealing with currently?" Grant asked. "let's see, Godzilla 2014 fighting SpaceGodzilla, random robots, half life 2 head crabs, combine, zombies, something about reapers, and a Mario who has come back from the dead and has a score to settle with Sonic after their Death battle." Rico said. "Wait, Godzilla?" Burn asked. "Yes Burn, an actual Godzilla" Rico replied. Burn used most of his mental strength to keep himself from screaming like a little girl.

"It's the new version of Godzilla, so let's just let him fight any other giant monsters that appear and balance out nature. As long as we don't bother him, he wound incinerate us." Burn said. '_I can't believe were doing a team up with the god of gods, the king of monsters himself!'_ he mentally added. "There looks like there's a lot of random attack forces appearing. The caller, Cywren, has informed us of the use of the 'fat man', a device that launches mini nukes." Rico continued his debriefing. "Nuke it, that's the option to everything." Burn said. "Somehow, I think that you and Cywren are going to become friends at some point." Grant said. "Since Burn is a Godzilla expert, he should go on this one." Rico said. "I vote Ruby, Yang, Grant, and Hicks tag along to." Burn said. "Why me, why not Matt or Weiss or Nora?" Hicks asked. "Nora is taking care of a version of herself that's causing problems for a universe during her attempts to summon a 'pancake god.' Weiss and Matt are taking care of another yandere Velvet." Rico replied.

Meanwhile…

"IS THIS WHY YOU BROUGHT ME WITH? TO USE ME AS BAIT?!" Weiss asked as she hung from the fishing pole, inches within the yandere's reach. "Yes, but mostly for the heck of it." Matt replied. "WIESS-CHAN!" Yandere Velvet screamed as she chased after the duo, only focusing on the ice heiress.

Back at H.Q…..

"And, I want you to get horribly mangled in some way. Maybe Tex will be there and she'll nail you in the crotch. I'd pay money to see that." Burn added. "Why was I transferred to this idiotic unit?" Grant asked. "So, are you going to bring the Mantis for extra fire power?" Yang asked. She and Ruby had both seen it recently and wanted to see it in action.

"Actually, I had a better plan." Burn said. "Rico, code 'Tokyo, S.O.S dark." There was a loud grinding noise. Then the rooftop to the base opened up to make room for the massive machine that appeared. It had the same design as Kiryu 2003, only black with red eyes. "Meet, Black Kiryu, my own personal walking arsenal." Burn introduced his robot. Yang started drooling over the machine while Ruby drooled over the weapons. "And for that extra kick, I'm packing the **B**ig **F**# $ing **G**un 9000!" Burn screamed, pulling out the massive weapon. "Isn't that a little overkill?" Grant asked. "What good is having this thing if you can't even use it?" Burn questioned back. "And if I don't have a scythefile, I get to use this thing. Either way, I get a kicka# $ weapon."

"**Alright, I got a fragment of myself keeping things in check here while I pilot MechaGoji. Ready to roll out."** Rico voice echoed from the titan robot's speakers. "Just to be safe, have the M.O.A.B on standby, in case things get really bad." Burn said. "Finally, my first mission into an alternate dimension." Ruby cheered. "Just be a little careful. Your double may be a bit, odd." Burn said. "Most usually are in some way." Grant added. "Who cares, let's go!" Ruby said. The huntress in training disappeared in a flash of rose pellets into the portal. Burn followed, also a red blur, minus the rose pellets. The rest followed afterwards. Black Kiryu gave a fierce mechanical roar as it rocketed forward.


	4. Cywren's Fallout part 2

"Release me at once, I am the master of all reality!" The portal master said as our heroes returned through the portal. "That's what they all say." Burn said. "Wow, alter dimension me was mean." Ruby said.

Flashback…

"_Can I have a scythefile?" Burn asked. "No!" Alter Ruby yelled. "Before you try to beat me up, perhaps this will change your mind." Burn said. The red and grey Spartan then brought up a Klondike bar. Alter Ruby stared at it for a moment. Then she snatched it out of Burn's hands and kicked him in the crotch. "Is that still a no?" Burn whimpered. _

Present….

"What is it with RT multiverse women and nailing guys in the balls?" Burn asked. Then Grant came in, carrying a beaten up Hicks. "Who did that?" Velvet asked. "Alter Weiss." Grant replied. "She got mad because Hicks said something about a cliff." Burn added. '_Note to self, do not talk about cliffs around women.'_ "Other than that, it went perfectly without incident." "Well, that one version of Sonic that appeared got murdered." Yang said. "But like Sonic 06 (slightly ok but not good) his friends will revive him with the Chaos Emeralds, somehow." Burn said. Black Kiryu then flew through the portal and landed back in the deck where it first appeared from. "Good to be back." Rico said as he transferred himself into the H.Q.'s mainframe and reintegrated his fragment. "You fools dare to think that you can contain men?! I'm invincible!" The portal master screamed. "Send him to the prison dimension." Burn said. A moment later a portal opened, showing an area filled with cages. Each cage held people that were similar to the portal master. Yang then picked up the portal master and threw him into an open cage, which automatically closed. "This prison won't hold me forever, I'll escape and rule the multi-" the portal closed before he could finish talking. "Idiot thinks that just because he can travel to different realities means that he can conquer it all." Burn said. A new portal opened and Matt along with Weiss walked through. Weiss was covered in filth and a few scratch marks. "Yandere Velvet got to clingy with Weiss, the usual stuff." Matt added. "If we ever get a call from ElfCollabrator, I will go there myself and force him to eat his intestines." Weiss hissed. "So, how do you think Nora's doing?" Yang asked.

Meanwhile….

The Nora Valkeryie duo were swinging their hammers everywhere, crushing the multiple pancake monsters that had appeared. They both laughed manically as pancake body parts started flying everywhere.

H.Q…

"Probably the usual craziness. It's Nora after all." Burn said. "Anyway, I got to add this Mountain Dew Voltage to the inventory." The Spartan then pulled 2 crates of his precious soda. "I'll have enough of this for a century or 2 if we keep getting jobs like this." "I wonder why they haven't tried any of the other payment options." Ruby asked, disappointed that no one bothered to pay with strawberry cookies. "Maybe next time." Yang said, patting her sister on the back. "Next time."

Meanwhile, again...

RWBYsarus looked at the pile of rubble that was once Signal academy. A thousand ways to rebuild it were mapped out in his head. Maybe a holographic training room, or a shooting gallery, or something along those lines. And perhaps a few target practice drones would help the students. He picked up a sledge hammer and went to work.


	5. Frozen problems part 1

Matt silently observed the schematics that were laid out in front of him. Burn found them hidden in the Voltage crates from their most recent job. They were plans to build a mini nuke called the 'fat man.' Burn wanted to get to work on it, but he had business to attend to.

_Flashback_….

"_Got a call from spideyk, something about flying great white sharks appearing in his fic 'Mentors'. Doesn't sound like he planned that for an Assassin's Creed crossover." Velvet said. "Finally, now I can show how good of an Assassin I really am." Grant said. "We've been over this dude, just because you play Assassin's Creed games doesn't mean you're a professional assassin." Burn said. "Shut up, you don't know anything." Grant snapped at his crimson comrade. "Well, guess I get to wrestle some sharks. Awesome. And I have the perfect bait." Burn said. He disappeared for a moment only to return with Hicks knocked out and covered in fish guts. "Why do you have to use him as bait?" Grant asked. "Because it's funny." Burn replied. "Yang, were gonna fight flying sharks, wanna come with?" "Sure, I got nothing better to do." Yang replied. The four then went through the portal to the 'Mentor' universe. _

Back to modern time…yay….

"Looks like we got another call." Velvet said over the intercoms. "That portal master we threw in the slammer recently has a wife and she brought an evil, and angry I might add, Elsa into the 'Remnant's Lone Wolf' fic." Matt went over to get Yang, but remembered that she went with Burn. So, he settled for a flamethrower. "Alright, going to fight an evil queen Elsa, anyone coming with?" Matt asked. Pyrrah walked over with Ren following. "We really haven't been sent yet, so sure, why not?" Pyrrah said. Ruby popped up behind them. "I'll go to. I'm bored." She said. "Alright, let's move." Matt said.

"Wait, don't we have some kind of battle plan?" Ren asked. "Due to the fact that this is a Disney character, she might be breaking out in song as we speak." Matt started. "So while she's occupied with her musical number we hit here with tranq darts and return her to her universe." "But what if she spots us?" Ruby asked. "Then plan B it is." Matt said in an ominous voice. Then Rico's avatar appeared.

"Just use a lot of caution, rule 56 of the RWBY helper says that we cannot harm a Disney character unless it's corrupted to the point where they eat other people's brain for fun or start kicking kittens." He said. "Oh, don't worry. Plan B, if it's used, won't harm her at all." Matt said. Everyone secretly doubted him. It **is** El Mattador de crazy after all. You never know what he'll do.


	6. Frozen problems part 2

"And we were almost thrown into the plot of the story when a few of the main characters came over to where we had the pile of dead sky jaws. Luckily I disguised myself as a merchant and told them I was selling sharks." Burn finished his long story. "You just put on a fake goatee and a hat. That's hardly a disguise." Grant said. "But did they notice? No." Burn countered. "But sadly I couldn't ask for a scythe-file without causing problems for the plot." "Ok, how exactly did my counterpart fall in love with that one assassin? I'm not that easy. And I don't even drink alcohol." Yang said. "Alternate counterparts, their always messed up in some way." Burn said.

Then Burn whistled and a flying great white shark appeared next to him, causing everyone (except Grant, Hicks and Yang) to jump back in surprise. "It's ok. He likes me." Burn said. "I shall call him, Bruce: The great burn shark." "Why Bruce?" Jaune asked. "Who wouldn't name a pet great white shark Bruce?" Burn asked. "Now, we have a kick a #$ mascot." "I thought RWBYsarus was our mascot." Yang said. "He's team RWBY's mascot. Bruce is Destro's mascot." Burn countered. Before the conversation could continue, Matt walked through a portal followed by Ruby, Ren, and Pyrrah.

"Where have you four been?" Burn asked. "Had to deal with Frozen characters in a RWBY halo crossover." Matt replied. "Apparently, that version of Ruby is an ODST." "Huh, never really saw Ruby as a hell jumper." Burn said. "So, since were both ODST, I attempted to negotiate with ODST Ruby about the scythe-file schematics on your behalf." Matt said. "And?" Burn asked. "She said no, but, I didn't get beat up." The suicide bomber replied. "Aw come on! Why is it that when I ask for a scythe-file I get beat up but when you ask you are politely told no?" Burn asked. "Told you, both of us are ODST, so both of us have a type of respect for each other." Matt said. "She never really used her scythe-file though, just regular UNSC weapons."

"Ruby not using Crescent Rose, BLASPHAMEY!" Burn screamed. "How can she not use it when she has it?" "I know, and this version of me was a bit bossy." Ruby said. "Hey Rubes, I almost forgot, here you go." Yang said as she gave Ruby a plate filled with cookies. "Are they strawberry?" Ruby asked. "No, but at least you got these right?" Yang asked. "We also got pizza and some lightsaber plans. Not sure about the last part when we have energy swords, but what the h$# it's still awesome." Burn added. "We got a Spartan laser with Ruby's color scheme, a scattershot with Yang's colors, albino energy sword for Weiss, extremely large amounts of Voltage, and an active camo unit for Blake." Matt said. "Why would we need different weapons, or an active camo unit?" Yang asked. "And how would Blake use it, she doesn't wear armor like you guys do." "Ah, well. We can just hold on to it in times of emergency or something like that." Matt said. Then Bruce flew in front of Pyrrah, scaring the crap out of her.

"What is that?" The crimson haired woman asked. "That, my lady, is Destro's newest mascot, Bruce: the great burn shark." Burn replied in a dramatic voice. "Awesome! We got a flying shark!" Matt screamed. "So, how was your mission?" Yang asked. "Well, we weren't able to get Elsa or Olaf with the tranq darts, but we did get Anna with them." Ruby said. "So we threw Olaf into a cooler while Matt initiated plan B."

_Flashback, again__…. _

_Elsa threw ice spears at Ruby, Ren, and Pyrrah as they tried to run away. They managed to dodge them, but Ruby's cloak got caught. "Why does this always happen to me?" She asked. Before Elsa could freeze her, a man wearing a hockey mask and carrying a chainsaw that was on fire appeared in front of the ice queen. "I'M HAVING MEAT TONIGHT!" he screamed as he lifted his weapon into the air. Elsa immediately fainted out of fear. Then Matt took of the hockey mask and tied the winter witch up. "I always wanted to do that." He said. _

Modern times_…. _

"And then we returned them back to their universe, melted the ice dome over Vale, and we did it all with no damage at all." Matt said. "But, I think this we may have gotten in the plot by mistake, oh well. Hopefully the creator of that universe isn't mad or anything." "So, how about we get back to work on the fat man and start on that lightsaber while nothing is happening?" Burn asked. "Sure, why not." Matt replied. The duo then went to the workshop.

One moment later…

"KABOOM!"

"We're ok!"

"I'm surrounded by imbeciles."

* * *

**You know, I would type who said that last part, but I'm sure you already know who said it.**

**"Lazy a #$!"**

**Well, look who returned form his make out session with a deathstalker.**

**"It's payback time b #$!" **

**BRUCE!**

**"Who the f $# is, OH GOD GET IF OFF! GET IF OOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!" **

**Remember readers, if you have a problem with your RWBY fic, weather it be a corssover or a standard fic, just call us and we can fix it. syonara (I think I spelt that right, ah who cares. you know what I mean.) **


End file.
